Wonder Is Not the Same as Happiness (And That’s the Good News)

The Pressure of Being the Parent of a “Happy Child”

Picture this: it’s a dreary Tuesday afternoon and you’ve just told your child their playdate has been canceled. What would have been a few hours of fun has been reduced to a bland, rainy afternoon.

So what do you do? Like every loving parent out there, your first instinct is to try to fix it. Whether it’s through snacks, fun activities, or even some of that dreaded screen time, most parents pull out the stops to protect their children from sadness, disappointment, or just a case of the “blahs.” Why? Because parents tend to measure their success based on their children’s happiness. This isn’t necessarily the wrong approach, since happiness is no doubt important, but it’s not the only emotional destination worth reaching. In fact, if that’s the only goal we’re trying to help our children achieve, our parenting may be narrowing their world. Helping your children discover their own brand of happiness is definitely part of being a supportive parent, but it’s not always realistic. The Sparkle team has given some thought to this conundrum, and we’ve got suggestions.

The Quick Answer: Happiness is fleeting, and it depends on how the day goes. But wonder only needs a little attention, so you can offer it on a gray day, a lonely day, or the afternoon playdate that falls through.

Happiness vs. Wonder

Happiness takes many forms, but we all know how it feels. That first warm day after a long winter season, a meaningful gift from a loved one, the feeling you get when you accomplish a long-sought-after goal – all these things give us that warm, bright feeling inside. Sometimes happiness can be elusive. At other times, it might be abundant. But one thing is for sure: no matter how good it feels in the moment, it can sometimes be fleeting. Fortunately, there’s something else that is more readily available than happiness, something that doesn’t require children (or adults) to be in a joyful mood (although it can sometimes lead to a joyful mood). It’s the feeling of wonder. 

While happiness often depends on a certain set of circumstances to appear, wonder can spring up seemingly out of nowhere. It suggests asking a simple question, perhaps like “Do You Believe in Magic?” Wonder can flourish on the sunniest of days as well as those lonely, rainy days when it seems like there’s nothing to do. It doesn’t need pleasant circumstances or good news, and it can exist beside grief and sadness. All it takes is presence and curiosity. 

Why This Is Good News

The truth is, nobody can make their children happy one hundred percent of the time. This means you can let yourself off the hook and stop judging yourself on how successful you are at cheering your kids up. Truth be told, nobody does it better than you do, but happiness comes and goes. So on those occasions when your child is feeling gloomy, you’ve got another card to play by introducing them to things that spark feelings of wonder and make their lives richer. 

After all, if a child believes they should always be happy, then feeling sad or moody can seem like a failure rather than simply part of the normal range of human emotions. Inspiring their sense of wonder, on the other hand, teaches them that life can be deep, beautiful, and meaningful at any given moment, even on some of the tougher days.  Sometimes the ability to change perspective in those harsher circumstances can be a formula for resilience.

(For more seasonal inspiration as the weather shifts, dive into our October’s Wonder Content.)

Ways to Find Wonder in the Gray

Things that can fill us with awe and wonder are all around us waiting to be noticed. Take the aforementioned rainy day. While rainy days may seem like a gloomy backdrop for outdoor activities, there is much to discover (as long as precautions against lightening and heavy winds are taken). Small things like ripples in a rain puddle, petrichor (the earthy scent when rain first hits dry soil), or steam rising from warm surfaces when the rain lands are all simple observations that can inspire the imagination and create a sense of wonder. Teach your kids to count the seconds between a lightning flash and the rumble of thunder to gauge how close the lightning is — this kind of observation can certainly inspire enthusiastic curiosity.

(For more quick ways to bring magic into your routine, read Five Minute Wonder: Small Practices for a Busy Week for simple ways to find awe in the time you actually have.)

How to Cultivate Wonder Without Needing to Fix the Mood

The first step to cultivating wonder when your child may not be in the cheeriest mood is to switch up your approach slightly. Instead of asking, “How can we turn this day around?” try, “What do you notice right now?” If it’s a gloomy day, have them put on their rain boots and step outside with no goal other than to observe the quiet things that live inside of a gray day. See how birds and small animals find places to hide under (like tree canopies!) to keep themselves dry. Watch how water slides down sloped surfaces to form mini tributaries like a tiny river system.  

A Call for Reflection

The next time a playdate falls through, a rainy day seems to wash away the potential for fun, or your child feels gloomy, remind yourself that you’re not the architect of their immediate joy. Nor do you have to entertain away that gray feeling. When we stop viewing life’s occasional sadness or disappointments as problems to solve, we open up a door of opportunity. We allow our children permission to feel the full spectrum of what it’s like to be human. We let them discover that wonder is waiting right there with them, ready to be noticed.

You don’t need a grand plan or a sunny disposition to invite wonder in. You only need to sit beside them in the moment, take them for a walk, or share something new and interesting you recently learned. For an easy entry into wonder, curl up together under a cozy blanket and press play on an audio adventure from the How to Be Super: Missions series and let a shared story quietly open the door to wonder. Until that next moment of happiness, let wonder fill the void. 

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Does focusing on wonder mean I can’t also try to cheer up my child?

A: Thankfully, no. Cheering up your child and helping to instill them with a sense of wonder are not mutually exclusive. After all, comforting and encouraging your child is a natural part of parenting. Focusing on wonder just means you can let yourself off the hook and not have to pressure yourself into delivering instant happiness when your child is unhappy. It gives you an alternative when “cheering up” feels forced and ineffective.

Q: What if my child doesn’t feel like going outside or looking for things on a gray day?

A: That’s okay! Wonder can’t be forced, but it can be inspired. Try noticing something out loud yourself. “Look at how the rain drops line up on that pine needle.” Oftentimes, removing the demand and simply sharing your curiosity can invite the interest of children.

Q: Can younger children (ages 3-5) understand the concept of wonder?

A: Yes! In fact, young children experience wonder much more naturally than adults do. All they need are sensory prompts. Something as simple as asking them to feel the damp bark of a tree or listen to the quietest sound in the room brings them right into a state of awe.

Discover Stories and Series About Wonder:

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